For whom it concerns: those that can’t seem to function like normal humans on a daily basis.
There is this thing that my mom so kindly passed down to one of her three lucky children. That lucky child was, of course, me, and that special thing is the tendency to consistently embarrass myself in public at every moment possible. And I don’t mean *minor* things like tripping over your feet every once in awhile or getting on the wrong subway. Feel blessed if those are the only things that happen to you. I swear to you, bizarre situations find and stick to me like Axe body spray somehow finds and permanently glues itself to 13 year old boys. Here are just a few examples because I prefer to keep some dignity:
- fell down the parking garage stairs during rush hour – ripped my pants and my books flew everywhere (bc obviously too cool to carry a backpack)
- every single one of my exam papers flew out of my jeep in the middle of an elementary school carpool line
- all of my books decided to launch themselves out of my jeep while driving up the parking garage during rush hour
- peed my pants in the 7th grade cafeteria line (TOO OLD FOR THAT PEOPLE.)
- decided it would be cool to wear boxers in 4th grade (I also thought it would be cool to sag… it wasn’t.)
- tripped over my pants crossing a major street, flew forward, backpack over head, and shoe stuck in my pants. I stopped traffic for a solid 30 seconds while trying to stand up.
- went to a football game with a bra strapped around my waist because I changed bras and forgot to take the first one off
For the protection of my own social life and normality, I am going to stop there.
But I will go ahead and share the classic kk moments that have happened in the past few days.
Two days ago I made my lunch to bring to work. As I walked into Hearst, I realized my lunch was still sitting nicely on the counter of my apartment. Awesome.
So yesterday, I decided to redeem myself and actually bring my lunch to work with me. But naturally, as I am making my sandwich, toasting the bread (the whole 40 million yards here), I realize I have nothing to put in my sandwich. My fridge holds 4 things: chicken nuggets, yogurt, almond butter, and *having a realization that I only have three items in my fridge* yep that’s it. However, being the genius I am, I decided to go ahead and pack my two slices of bread and just buy some chicken from the salad bar at work. GENIUS. At 1 o’clock I take my lunch break and grab my two slices of bread and the 4 pieces of beef jerky I packed (because what normal person doesn’t bring beef jerky in their lunch… WHO AM I). Three dollars baby. Oh yeah, definitely a genius. Chicken, an egg, and an orange – I am set to complete my lunch. A friend was joining me later for lunch so I walked past a crud ton of interns who looked like a bunch of mini Anna Wintours with pilates salad bodies and proceeded to seat myself at a little cubicle table. Now the time has come to assemble my sandwich. I’m going to foreshadow a little: it didn’t go smoothly.
Before I too a bite of my sandwich I managed to get chicken all over my dress, the table and the floor. I swear I decreased in age by 10 years in that moment. I was all of a sudden a 9 year old who couldn’t keep their food in a neat place in front of them.
Later the same day I decided it would be totally appropriate to change into my workout clothes before I left the building. Nope. I’ve honestly never felt so naked in my life. It was like one of those dreams you have when you show up to middle school only wearing a ski jacket and nothing else (I’ve had that one repeatedly… if someone wants to please interpret that for me that would be great). Also, it was a miserable flashback to 7th grade 1st period gym class because after I had completely changed, I realized I forgot other shoes to change into. We can now paint a mental picture: KK, walking through the Hearst Tower (home to many extremely important people that I would really like to impress…hah) in leggings, a workout top that is probably three sizes too small, and snakeskin sandals. I have never left a building so fast, there may as well have been 40 kidnappers running behind me. When I crossed the threshold out of Hearst I have never felt such relief. It immediately became 20 degrees cooler and I felt like someone had released me from a way too tight grip. That ended quickly when I realized, again, that I was getting quite a few stares that moved all the way from my feet to my face. COOL people, I get it. I look like a 7th grader that forgot her change of shoes at home and I should probably NOT be wearing this workout top. I booked it to the nearest uniqlo and bought a jacket. Yep. Olympic speed walking status down 5th avenue and put the jacket on as I paid for it. No regret.
Moral of the story – maybe go ahead and make lunch before you show up to work (or buy groceries) and DO NOT NO MATTER HOW CONVENIENT IT MAY SEEM change into your workout clothes before leaving work (unless you have officially achieved your salad pilates body, which I have not).